feck happens
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Birdman, Mr
Pog Bestest
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IN SPIDER IT ALL
Tell me this hasn't happened to you. You can just be sitting there watching the tele, minding your own business and suddenly you get the ever-so-slightest feeling that you are being watched. And it doesn't take long to find out just who's watching you. A quick crane of the neck and there it is in the upper crease of the wall. A feckin' spider. The uninvited hairy beast. I do not like spiders in general. When they are indoors, I actually hate them.
And no matter how great the show is that you are watching, you find yourself repeatedly checking 'the spot' over and over. But the wee fecker has now decided to stay completely and utterly still. If you couldn't hear it's wheezing, you'd swear that it was dead. But all the time, you know it's not because you can still feel those eyes on you. Just before you saw it, you know it was burning a path across your wall at good pace. But now, nothing. Why do they decide that once you've seen them, to freeze as if it didn't move for long enough, it might just become invisible? Anyone?
Well, I'll tell you why. Because they do. Apparently spiders have either mastered or has come pre-delivered with the ability to become invisible. But ONLY after you've seen them. Some sort of creepy Harry Potter thing that ignites between the two of you starts this process where it becomes invisible, and you become bewildered. You looked at it and looked at it. But it never moved. So eventually you forgot to look at it and 'Shazam!", it's gone. How do they fucking do it?
I've gotten to the point that I am compelled so to make sure that they are dead at any cost. The problem is is that when I do try to kill them, they already seem to know it and time it so that when I start to stab at them with your weapon of choice, they simultaneously fling themselves at me. Which of course, raises the deaded possibility of any non-wanted contact with them. At this point I close my eyes as a natural defence, and when I open them, the spider is gone, gone, gone. Blended in with the darkness of the carpet. Or fallen behind something too large to just whip aside and start investigating. Half happy that it is gone, but it now knows that I have tried to kill it. Which takes me to a whole new area of sleepless nights.
My fear is that after I have stripped down and get all scrunched-up-comfy in my bed, the bastard is going to suddenly appear next to me an touch my naked flesh and forever soil me with it's creepiness. And then no one will ever, ever want to be next to me again. All because some creepy fucking spider has touched me with it's percy, maybe even peed on me or worse! I can't bear to think about it anymore. My ability to get close to other humans has now been forever tainted and it's all over for me. I am well an truly alone and now face an uncertain future as a pariah. An outcast of society. A loser amongst losers. I've even lost my old friend, the horn. I've got to get out more.
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To date 8 Comment(s)
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(25.4.06 13:20)
I know that family of arachnids. Evil, evil bastards. You can stay my house until they've moved on to torture some other poor soul.
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(26.4.06 07:46)
H, Don't sing or they are liable to hang about swooning to your dulcet tones.
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(26.4.06 07:55)
pog, That is very sweet of you. Problem is, when it comes time for me to shove off, I'll again feel dejected/rejected and end up pathetically squatting in your garden until the elements eventually kill me. It would only end in tears. (Mine and whoever had to clean up my remains)
Hey! I just realised. Are you saying that at your manor, you don't get bastard spiders?
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(26.4.06 13:09)
As I live in an eyrie, the big bastards are too fat and lazy to get up there - wasps, on the other hand, move their whole posses in on a regular basis.
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(27.4.06 07:36)
Is an eyrie a Rastafarian commune? I just don't like spiders. Wasps, on the otherhand, make me wet myself.
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(27.4.06 14:36)
If it is, the Rastas are keeping themselves to themselves - not easy in a flat the size of a cupboard ... or maybe the wasps have dealt with them.
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(2.5.06 00:33)
fecky...I feel your pain. I htink we may have been separated at birth.
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