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FOOTY, INNIT
ROONEY'S ARSE AND ALL
Thierry Henry. Certainly not your average footballer. But apparently a marvelous dancer.
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SHITE, LIES AND VIDEOTAPE
(Warning: The following may contain references to football)
In what I find to be a disturbing trend, there has been far too much emphasis on keepers nowadays. Goals are not easy areas to defend. They are massive and are much taller and wider than any human can possibly be held responsible to guard. Yet for some irrational reason, people are into blaming keepers now for any loss a team suffers.
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I am none too happy today. Roy Carroll is once again the scapegoat for what is obviously the erosion and overall failure of the braintrust over at Old Trafford. Sure, Roy made that infamous howler a few months ago but so fucking what? Keepers, like every other player on the pitch, are human. But look at the facts: how many keepers had more wins than Carroll? More clean sheets than Carroll? I rest my case. And besides, more importantly, it never affected the outcome of the game. What does affect the outcome of the game more than the occasional keeper fuck-up is the inability to score goals. ROY CARROL IS A SCAPEGOAT. A scapegoat for Alex Ferguson who is panicking big time.
It all started when Sir Alex felt he was beginning to lose control. That moment was when Beckham had his ears pierced. Remember, back then, footballers did not wear 'sissy' earrings. As if it would effect the players natural abilities. Probably cause them to pay more attention to the other teams arses than the ball. Eventually Beckham got fed up with Fergy's unnatural obsession with the Beck's popstar lifestyle and fucked off to Spain. A country he himself had never even been to, much less being able to speak the language, instead of putting up with SAF's egomaniacal rantings. It got so bad that even the ultra bitchy Peter Scheimchel had had enough and left. He used the excuse of retiring but quickly turned up at Man City. Tell me with a straight face that the loss of these two players hasn't adversely affected Man Utd's overall value.
It all comes down to Fergy's paranoia. If this is not true then why hasn't Rio Ferdinand re-signed? Why did Paul Scholes 'choose' to give up a perfectly good International career? Why were we told late last year that Carroll was offered a new contract but 'refused' to sign? Somebody couldn't make a decision. I wonder who? What about Alan Smith? Why does someone of his calibre sit on the bench game after game when Sir Alex confidently claimed that Smithy was the answer to all United's problems? Roy Keane said he had enough but Sir Alex cried because nobody else understood him (and who knows, maybe if he stuck around, he could be Alex's replacement. Like that is going to happen). All bad choices. Bad for the individuals, bad for the team, bad for the fans.
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And to add insult to injury, yesterday's papers announced that Carroll was set to re-sign as United's keeper. Now why would United leak that kind of information to the papers? Did somebody suddenly change their mind again? So much mind changing for so little options. And why Howard over Carroll when one is obviously so much better than the other? Why? Because Howard is prepared to kiss Fergy's arse. Carroll wants to keep what little self-respect he has. He kissed Alex's arse for years and what did it get him? I will go on record as saying this: They can build a fucking brick wall in the goal and it won't make the slightest difference if goals aren't being scored. Mark my words, but like the six other keepers since Schmeichel, Howard won't make much of an impact. I'd like to be wrong about that but going from the MLS to the Prems is like going from the womb to university.
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And now more 'leaks'. The Sun says Juventus keeper Buffon (didn't he used to drum for Mott The Hoople?) for £35m, The Daily Star says Robinson for £10m, and The Mirror says Shay Given for £6m. The question is, does Sir Alex have any idea what he wants other than his own personal return to glory? Perhaps the papers should offer us Martin O'Neill. I think the time has definitely come. Sir Alex has taken things as far as he can. He did an excellent job for years but he is in danger of undoing all the good he has done if he stays on. The Answer? O'Neill and Given, re-sign Ferdinand, play Smithy (4-4-2), then all is again well.
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LIFE AT THE BOTTOM IS BLOODY EXCITING
Bloody exciting end of season. Broken hearts and utter disbelief from start to finish. All matches started at 3 p.m., so no matter how many televisions, cable boxes, or radios you own, it was nearly impossible to keep up with all the moment by moment events. Norwich was the club with the advantage. All they needed was a win. Albion was dead in the water at the bottom of the table. Right away it was action stations as Norwich was down a goal at Fulham and Southampton was clear as Man Utd's O'Shea OG, put Soton up 1-nil. Then at The Valley, Charlton scored and Palace was down by a goal.
After one half of play it appeared that things were going incredibly pear-shaped for Norwich as Fulham was now beginning to beat the hell out of them. At the start of the day, Norwich looked to be through, but now nothing short of a miracle could keep them up. With that, Crystal Palace now needed Southampton to win at United, and West Brom to lose. At 58 minutes, WBA took a one-nil lead and leap-frogged over Palace, Soton and Norwich. Minutes later at St. Mary's, although not know at the time, Ruud van Nistilrooy headed Southampton into relegation. Then suddenly Palace received a penalty which Johnson easily converted, giving Ian Dowie another so-close-but-oh-so-far tease.
But West Brom scored a second over Portsmouth. Then Palace, not to be outdone, scored a second leading to the all too familiar dying minutes Palace lead. Palace looked to be through with only 8 minutes to go, but then typically as per this season, lost the lead with Charlton equalising, giving victorious WBA more than a ray of hope. But West Brom was still in no position to celebrate as the Palace match was still going. A Strange sight indeed seeing the West Bromwich fans in a sort of suspended animation, radios pushed to ears, mobile's blazing, waiting for a word from The Valley. Then it was confirmed, Albion had done the heretofore impossible and managed to make even Steve McQueen proud by committing a truly great escape. The ensuing pitch invasion looked like the Baggies Management had just offered cash refunds for all season-ticket holders.
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In the end, you have to feel for Harry Redknapp who has been on a downward roller-coaster ride all season. And now Southampton won't be in the top division for the first time in 27 years. And what can be said for Ian Dowie? He's been in the winning seat so many times this season only for someone to accidentally push the James Bond 'ejector seat' button and send him and his side packing. And Nigel Worthington, a man who looks to be more at home heading a multi-national bank, has had to deal with the fear of relegation from the beginning of the season. (But fuck Delia "Let's have ya" Smith)
An exciting end to an otherwise so-so season.
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THE COOLEST CAT IN LONDON
Newcastle v Chelsea. Summarisation: Lazy Chelsea, Shearer is crap. He can't play another season because the league will never allow zimmer frames on the pitch. The key play in this match was...Holy shit! Did you see Mourinho's suit? Just when you think he's lost his sense of style, he comes out in a suit that looked a million fucking pounds. Even if Graeme Souness came out in an Elvis gold lamé outfit, Mourinho had him outclassed before he even woke up this morning. Few people actually know that Chelsea officially ended the season with 80 points - The other 15 points were awarded because of Mourinho's cool factor. Say what you will about Chelsea, but Jose is one cool fucking cat.
Bolton v Everton: Big ups to Sam Allardyce, Ace Manager. Next season they should move up a place or two. But I am not convinced Everton deserve their position this season. They sort of mirrored Chelsea in that they never really overwhelmed but were calmly consistent. Until the final third of the season when they switched their energies into boot sales and cake baking.
Man City v Middlesborough: Who cares?
Liverpool v Aston Villa: Imagine what Liverpool could have done with a fit side, especially with the (unpronouncable) Jibbering Cisse, who according to some reports, should only have one leg after his very serious calf-snapping incident in mid-season. His hair style might be highly suspect but his football is as sound as the Pool has seen from any individual in years.
Brum v Arsenal: The Gooners have never recovered from Man United's ending of their record run and have coasted the remainder of the season. United have beat them three times this season and if they don't slap themselves awake, the fourth time is just around the corner.
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PEEING IN THE 'POOL
Jaysis. What was that? Seven-nil. They might as well have just phoned ahead and said that they couldn't make it. What must it be like in Liverpool today? If at least a hundred feckers don't hang themselves today I'll be greatly disapponted in the lacking sense of scouse public pride. I can't imagine anything more embarrasing. I'm suprised the townspeople scenes from 'Frankenstein' weren't recreated to chase Moyes out of town. Just goes to show that Everton are pretenders and Liverpool deserve to be in the top four (inspite of their bags of injuries, crap manager and keeper) I mean what was the point? They should have just made an announcement at halftime and told everyone to piss off home rather than subject their fans to that sort of humiliation. Switch off the lights and go an do something even remotely worthwhile. I must say the whole affair made me sick to my stomach. There couldn't have been any more goals if Everton decided to play without a keeper. Arsenal aren't that good and obviously, neither is Everton.
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GETTING AWAY WITH BLUE MURDER
I've not been one of those who complain about Chelsea buying their way into a championship, how could I when the team I support are just as rich on paper? And I wasn't too bothered when they were accused of trying to lure Ashley Cole from his Arse 'n All cocoon. But now they're fucking with my team and so I am a bit pissed. We haven't been doing too well this season for our standards but that doesn't mean that we've also lost our teeth as we will still bite a huge chunk out of your arses if they are put in our faces. Ahem. Enough of this "we" and "our" as I am not out on the pitch each week making some sort of contribution, but you get the picture.
Seems Rio Ferdinand just happened to be eating lunch in London (as one does) with his agent, Pini (probably a child-like word for penis) Zahavi, as guests of Peter Kenyon, Chelsea big-wig. Sounds plausible. I know I usually eat my supper at least 300 miles away from where I ate my breakfast. And Chelsea, in the spirit of not wanting for there to be any sort of misunderstanding, contacted Dave Gill at Old Trafford to say that, "If you hear any sort of rumour about, say, oh, I don't know, maybe one of your ace players... or not, perhaps being seen in the company of, er, maybe myself and that Penis What-have-you, then don't worry your nut about it".
O.K. Fair enough, those Chelsea blokes are upstanding, non-manipulative, top fellows and so you just have to give them the benefit of the doubt, yeah? I tried to believe them. Just like I tried to believe in God or faeries or the Easter bunny. But now it seems that even though he still has two years left on his current contract, Mr. Ferdy wants a new contract. One that sees him through until he's like 50, or summit. There are rules for shitty tactics like these yet the F.A. seems to be running on molasses these days on such matters. They still haven't ruled on the Ashley Cole fondling.
The problem is Chelsea just doesn't seem to be able to contain itself and not give into temptation. And more specifically, Pini Zahavi needs to have himself tied-up and placed in a large box and floated out to sea. He's a slick, trumped-up fecker who thinks he's untouchable. He's the bastard behind every illegal move Chelsea seem to make.
I guess it just goes to show that, yes, with enough money anything is possible. So remember kiddies, money talks and walks and basically can kick the crap out of anyone or anything that thinks different.
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AS USEFUL AS A SHEEP IN WELLIES
Jaysis. I was just getting used to the fact that I could once again enjoy Newcastle United because Shearer was finally going to give it a rest. I know he's still loved and adored by thousands and in the North, utterance of his name is akin to some sort of holy chanting. But I can't stand the fecker anymore. Although always what I consider to be a dirty player, he used to be like-able in his arrogance, in the same way I really like everybody's favourite to hate, Roy Keane.
But since he's gotten old (in the football sense) I am really sick to death of his attitude. The fact the he expects and demands special consideration because he is ALAN SHEARER. Oooh! Shudder 'n all. I don't even want to get into it because everyone thinks he's just a talented player who seems like the boy who grew up next door. I see a complete and utter bastard who is addicted to winning and now even more obviously, addicted to his name being in the record books. He's only hanging about for one reason, to be the all-time top scorer at St. James. Not to help his team win the championship because he clearly hasn't been able to do that. Selfish shite.
And that is at the expense of his team who could use the money they are paying his decrepit old arse to buy a young and vital player that could see Newcastle into the top five of the Prems. Besides, he distracts his manager from managing the team without thinking of what Lord Alan would prefer.
Since people were crying about Keane's decision to stay around a bit longer, I can't see how you can have that argument go just one way. At least Keane is not detrimental to his club in that he is using up valuable space for his side. On the contrary, his club is overflowing with talent. Something Newcastle could definitely use. Ah! I cannae go on. I am feeling disgusted. All I can add is Mr. Shearer: Break a leg (again).
The above bit was written from seeing the ticker of the story. Below is after seeing the actual news conference.
UPDATE: As is anymore proof were needed. Graeme Souness: "... this is your football club...", as he gazed nervously over at Shearer. The whole time acting as if he were being held hostage with a gun, just out of camera view, trained on his now weasly nut. And then came the good part how Shearer sheepishly lied about wanting to stay on with "the club" (Never "our club", or "our side", as if he was a hired mercenary without any other connection or devotion to that team) he said, as if in passing, to not put too fine a point on it, that Jackie Milburn was a great player but that the record was not a part of the equation. You don't have to be a psychologist to see what tediously niggling tension there was in the room. How each man seemed to be sweating with the fear of misspeaking their carefully worded deliveries. Two once fine examples of their kind in British football, reduced to shining each others boots...
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CHEATING IS THE NEW BLACK
CHEATING FUCKS
Irritating thing number one: Desperate, over-the-hill players who use the disgusting tactic of aggressively backing into a defender to 'opportune' a free kick. This usually happens late in the game when every other tactic (such as the ever popular threatening-presence-toward-the-referee-stance) has proven ineffective. Mind you, the referee's that continue to make these calls should be castrated as well.
The perfect example of this sort of shite behaviour was displayed during the dying minutes of Saturday's match between Newcastle and Liverpool. Ultra-arrogant bastard Alan Shearer illustrated this point to the maximum as he backed and backed and backed into his defender until a penalty was called. Unfortunately, in favour of the cunt that did the fouling. The resulting free-kick 'gave' the otherwise painfully ineffective Newcastle the win. Not that Liverpool played any better than your common variety 2nd Division club.
CHEATING IS CHEATING IN ANY LANGUAGE
Remember when diving was introduced as an effective way of winning an advantage? I think it was during the semi-final match in the 1990 World Cup when Germany dove their way into eliminating England from the tournament. It was outrageous and shameful the way the Germans carried on, one by one, falling on to the turf holding their ankles and grimacing every two minutes. Now this unique tactic has infiltrated the English game and needs to be eliminated fucking pronto. Not sure if it was a European invention or a South American thing, but either way, it was never native to the English game.
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A SPANIARD IN THE WORKS
Well, shows you what I know. Apparently Spain is just chock full of racist cunts and Aragones was absolutely right; His views are no different than the average Spaniard on the street. Just yesterday the Spanish Football Federation levied another massive fine on the Spanish side Deportivo La Coruna for it's fans racist chants toward Real Madrid fullback Roberto Carlos, who is Brazilian, and who may or may not be 'classified' as black since racists aren't bothered much by facts. This new fine signals that the SFF is finally getting tough on racism to the tune of £470. At this rate, the next fecker who starts the racist grunting stands to fucking actually make money.
This is all news to me because although I consider myself a football fan, I am not so much enamoured by the beautiful game as to follow every team in every country on the globe. I tend to place my focus on English sides, so outside of monumental results and some international matches, I am not too mucho savvy with the bloody Spaniards in La Liga. But if I were, then I would know that these are not isolated incidents and that before these two latest incidents, Spanish sides Getafe, Athletico Madrid, Albacete and Malaga have all been found guilty of harbouring racist spectators this season.
So ignore yesterday's plan; Here's my new plan. Seems to me that England let the Spanish off a bit easy when they came sniffing around with their Armada with intentions of inflicting heavy damage on the naval fleet and perhaps even a subplot of using the island for a possible outpost (That is until they found out that the weather was shite). So I suggest that England take up where the situation left off and send in the navy to liberate Spain from the Spanish and give it to those dodgy flash-type English holiday-goers who really enjoy the bloody place. No more racist bullshit from these fecking half-wit Spanish fans who cannot accept or enjoy football for what it is and no more ridiculously over-bronzed Brits in pukka shell necklaces and loud shirts. Result!
Well, shows you what I know. Apparently Spain is just chock full of racist cunts and Aragones was absolutely right; His views are no different than the average Spaniard on the street. Just yesterday the Spanish Football Federation levied another massive fine on the Spanish side Deportivo La Coruna for it's fans racist chants toward Real Madrid fullback Roberto Carlos, who is Brazilian, and who may or may not be 'classified' as black since racists aren't bothered much by facts. This new fine signals that the SFF is finally getting tough on racism to the tune of £470. At this rate, the next fecker who starts the racist grunting stands to actually make fucking money.
This is all news to me because although I consider myself a football fan, I am not so much enamoured by the beautiful game as to follow every team in every country on the globe. I tend to place my focus on English sides, so outside of monumental results and some international matches, I am not too mucho savvy with the bloody Spaniards in La Liga. But if I were, then I would know that these are not isolated incidents and that before these two latest incidents, Spanish sides Getafe, Athletico Madrid, Albacete and Malaga have all been found guilty of harbouring racist spectators this season.
So ignore yesterday's plan; Here's my new plan. Seems to me that England let the Spanish off a bit easy when they came sniffing around with their Armada with intentions of inflicting heavy damage on the naval fleet and perhaps even a subplot of using the island for a possible outpost (That is until they found out that the weather was shite). So I suggest that England take up where the situation left off and send in the navy to liberate Spain from the Spanish and give it to those dodgy flash-type English holiday-goers who really enjoy the bloody place. No more racist bullshit from these fecking half-wit Spanish fans who cannot accept or enjoy football for what it is and no more ridiculously over-bronzed Brits in pukka shell necklaces and loud shirts. Result!
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